A long journey / uma longa viagem

As I was listening to the the beautiful music of Corinne (a songwriter), I realized that my life is similar to the message of the song.
Eu ouvi uma música linda de corrine (uma compositora). Eu realizado que a minha vida é como mensagen da musica.

My life is a long journey. I don’t know if I can still believe and have strength when darkness and fear come my way.
A minha vida é um longo viagem. Eu não sei se eu posso acreditar e ser forte quando o escuridão e o medo eles chegam a meu caminho.

I spent a lot of time drifting in the empty things of my life. I always think what the reason of my existence is… Am I here just to continue doing the same empty things? Or am i here to be a blessing to others?
Eu gastei muito tempo flutuando na vazias coisas na minha vida … sempre pensando o que o razão por que eu estou aqui…Estou aqui para continue fazer as vazias coisas? Ou estou aqui ser uma benção por outras pessoas?

I know that I will falter, and I always do. It is so easy for people to pull me down but I know that I can’t stop and should continue surviving.
Eu sei que eu vou esmorecer, eu sempre faço. É muito facíl para as pessoas me puxar abaixo. Mas eu sei que eu não devia parei e continue que sobreviver.

I know I will cry, as I always do…maybe people who I thought were my friends will stop being my friends…but I know that you will support me. It is a long journey and I need to be near you. I can’t survive alone.
Eu sei eu vou chorar, e sempre faço…talvez as pessoas qual eu pensei são meus amigos, eles vão deixarão de ser meus amigos…. mas eu sei que você vai suporte eu … É um longo viagem e eu preciso ser perto com você. Eu não posso sobreviver sozinha.

A lot of times I think that nobody understands me. All I want is their happiness. But they don’t understand me. Should I stop? No, I won’t. I have to continue loving them because it is the right thing to do.
Algumas vezes eu sinto ninguém me entendi. Tudo quero está felicidades deles. Mas eles não me entenderam. Devia eu parei? Não, eu quero não. Eu tenho que continue amando deles porque está o correto coisa para fazer.

I don’t know why I do the things that I do. I know it is wrong but I continue to do it. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. When I have pride in my heart and I can’t see my soul, can you break the wall and pull me down?
Eu não sei por que eu faço as coisas que eu faço. Eu sei é errado mas eu continuo a fazê-lo. O espírito está com vontade mas a carne é fraca. Quando eu tenho orgulho no meu coração e eu não posso ver a minha alma, pode quebras as paredes e puxar-me abaixo?

Because I know its a long journey until I think that I am worth the pearl of great price….the price paid in Calvary.
Porque estarei um longo viagem até eu sinto que eu estou vale a pérola de grande preço… na preço do cálvario.

My love affair with everything Brazilian / Minha Aventura Amorosa Com Tudo Brasileiro

Three years ago, I had a love affair with everything German. When I fall in love with something or with someone, I would do everything. So during my love affair with everything German, I learned  the language, the culture and went there to get to know “my love”.

Três anos atrás, eu me apaixonei por tudo da alemnha. Quando eu apaixonar que alguma coisa ou alguém, eu faça tudo por é. Então durante minha aventura amorosa com tudo alemã, eu aprendi a idioma, a cultura e fui lá para conhecer o” meu amor”.

Sadly, the romance did not last long.
Tristemente,o romance não durou muito tempo.

Then, 5 months ago, I began my love affair with everything Brazilian. I learned the language, the culture and everything Brazilian. Total assimilation to the point of trying to love the sport that all Brazilians are crazy about – football!

Então, 5 meses atrás, eu comecei minha romance com tudo brasileiro. Estou aprendendo a lingua, a cultura e tudo brasileiro. Total assimilação ao ponto de tentando amar o esporte que todos brasileiros são louco por – futebol!

Here in the Philippines, football is not a popular game. Truth to tell, I don’t understand the game very much. I know that the ball must get inside the goal post to score a point and that you should do everything so that the opponent will not score. I don’t understand the red card and everything else about the game. But I know who are the cute and handsome players though. Unfortunately I don’t know their names.

Aqui nas Filipinas, futebol não é um esporte popular. Para disser a verdade, não entendo o esporte bem. O que eu sei está que bola deve entrar no “goal post” para um ponto e um. Não entendo o cartão amarelo e todas outras coisas. Mas eu sei quem é fofo e lindo, infelizmente, eu não sei nome deles.

Imagine, a few days ago, the people at my house were still sleeping I was listening to the game of Fluminense! At what time? At 5:00 in the morning! (Why did I choose Fluminense? Because I don’t know any other team except for the team of my friends.) You can say that I love Fluminense by default. But now I’m beginning to truly love them.

Imagina, poucos dias atrás, as pessoas na minha casa ainda estavam dormindo mas eu estava ouvindo que jogo de fluminense! Que horas? Ás cinco da manha! (Por que eu prefiro fluminense? Porque eu não sei outros times mas o time do meus amigos). Você pode diz que eu ama fluminense “by default.” Mas agora eu estou começando amar de verdadeiro com eles.

Ahhh, if only I can understand the game then life would be perfect.

Ahhh se só eu pudesse compreender o jogo então minha vida vai ser perfeito.

Setting my sights on things beautiful

I’m looking at my window, seeing the beauty that God has created. I see gray and gloomy skies as it is about to rain. I also see the cables on the electric posts full of birds singing their beautiful music.

That scene made me think. Should I focus on the gray and gloomy skies or close my eyes and make my heart listen to the beautiful music that they are singing?

Ahhh life is full of choices. We can always focus on the gray skies and think about the things that we don’t have, the pain of failure and defeat, heartache and misery.

Or we can choose to close our eyes and listen to the birds singing and realize that while we are still living, there is always hope for a new beginning.

I’ve had my share of failure and defeat. I’ve cried buckets of tears because of heartaches and loneliness. My heart has been crushed and trampled on a million times. There are consequences that I am still paying for until now. But today, I choose to close my eyes and let my heart listen to the birds singing, after all, life is beautiful.

Learning my lesson the hard way.

There are lessons in life where you really want to learn things the hard way.

A select few know the pain and anguish that keeps me on my knees lately. It was an experience that broke me to minute pieces that only God can put back together.

Have you ever been in a situation before where you see a lot of red flags flying around you? Flags that warn you to obey the still small voice that constantly reminds you to stop doing what you are doing and yet stubborn as you are you did it anyway.

I did… a few years ago.

From day one I know that this shouldn’t be and what I plan to do would surely lead to disaster. But disobedient as I am, I did things my way.  All through the years, I justified and defended the choices that I made.

God has been so patient with me and waited for me to repent but I didn’t…until that fateful day, October 5,2008.

God used somebody to make me finally open my eyes and see what I have been missing all these years . It was as if God was telling me “This is what I would have wanted you  to have but instead you settled for second best.” On that day I was forced to face the truth and face my guilt head on. It’s as if God literally turned me around to face an issue that I have been evading for way too long.

God made me realize that I have never specifically asked for forgiveness over something that I stupidly did many years back. And now I realize that I have been paying the consequences of my decision.

I love the ministry that God has entrusted me. I am happy with how things are going as far as my being His servant is concerned.  I love how I am able to serve others through the talent He has so graciously bestowed upon me. But I realize that all these could disappear with another wrong move.

I told my friends about my weakness…I might fall anytime now if not by God’s mercy and grace. I would love to say that I am strong enough to withstand whatever will come my way, but I know that I am not. I am as weak as any sinner can be. I am capable of ruining my life on my own without anybody’s help.

Believe me, if I could only turn back time, I would have chosen to walk the other way. I would have stood my ground and obeyed God. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this post.

I learned my lesson the hardest way possible. Human as I am, I believe that death for me would be the easiest way out. I wish I could expound but believe me, death really IS the easiest way out. Of course I know how God can wonderfully move and change hearts in ways that I can’t understand, I also know that I shouldn’t put God in a box nor order Him to work in how I want Him to. But again I am human, and this is how little I think.

Therefore, I pray that God hasten my healing and end my grief as soon as possible. It’s not forbidden to request, so I am using my privilege as His daughter to ask, nay, beg Him to end it. End it in such as way that I will forever be amazed at how He works so that His glory will shine.

Father, forgive me for my sin.  Grant me the happiness that has eluded me for years. I pray that as I have opened my eyes and faced the truth of my disobedience  may I find peace and happiness for the rest of my days. Forgive me for not listening; forgive me for disobeying; I beg you oh Lord. Make the sunshine on my face again and stop the rain from falling.

For Sheryl…happy birthday!

This is for the other person in our “unholy” trinity, Sheryl.

Happy birthday my dear best friend. Having you in my life made a lot of things easier to bear. The secrets we shared, we will bring with us to the grave.

Thanks for letting me vent out without judging me. Thanks for hearing me out and never blaming me for the stupid decisions I willingly made. A lot of times I know I do things my way, stubbornly forcing issues that obviously were wrong in the first place but you never made me feel any less.

Today, October 4, 2008, all three of us finally said goodbye to the calendar numbers. But today during our photo shoot, I feel that we will continue to grow older with grace.

May we always be reminded of how we love each other. Differences will always be there but I pray that we will always find it in our hearts to forgive and continue on loving one another.

I love you…til death do us part

Death may come anytime.

I just came back from a hospital visit to our listener Mark B.  It was heartwarming but sad to see him lying on the bed with the radio beside him. They say it’s the sense of hearing that leaves a person the last so in my heart I hope that we can still minister to him even if he is in a coma.

I stayed there for a while but I couldn’t bear the sight of seeing Mark in tubes, his chest and head with  staples from his last surgery. He stayed in the ward of the government hospital.

Staring at the computer now, I feel like a lost kid. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride going up and down , round and round that it’s driving me crazy. I suddenly missed a lot of people. It’s as if looking at the deathly faces in the hospital made me realize that I may be staring at my very own death any day now.

I miss my Dad and our moments of laughter together.  I miss telling him how my day went, he’d listen even if I went on and on and on. I miss going to beach and crying my heart out. I miss the people I love.

I wish I could squeeze out every ounce of joy that is available for me everyday. I wish that everyday I can tell someone that he or she means a lot to me. I wish I could tell everyone I love that I truly love them. I wish to be the best friend to somebody who needs me. I wish to feel that I am needed and that there’s a place for me in this world…

… I wish to remember all the lessons I learned today.

Planning and Surrendering

We all have plans. Plans that we think will be good for us. Plans we think will prosper us.

There is really nothing wrong with planning right? But what is wrong is when we really try to move heaven and earth just to be able to realize our plans. We focus too much on the goals and when it seems that the doors are closing we slump down in despair. As we do so, we fail to see other doors opening for us. The sad thing is that those opened doors don’t remain open. They are only available for a certain time. And when we realize that those are the very doors that we need to take, it’s a little too late.

Take for example God’s work. The vineyard will not forever be available for you to work with. God, the master gardener, knows who is capable of doing what and when. As He is our God who never forces his children to work, He waits for us to accept the challenge of working for Him and with Him.

The thing is we have a lot of issues that we consider first before obeying. We selfishly prioritize our agenda and do things our way. And by experience we know that doing things without God’s blessings will tire us down eventually. When we are tired and frustrated because nothing seems to be going right, then we learn to call on God in surrender.

I don’t know what stage you are in right now; maybe you are now on the verge of surrender my friend. Or are you probably too tired to go on and everything seems to be going the opposite direction?

If you are on that stage and even if your plans have amounted to nothing, when your strength is gone and you can’t go on…now is the best time for you to depend on the power of God’s name. He promised to give you rest so just lay your heavy load down at the feet of Jesus.

Help Delayed Is No Help At All

Today I learned that one should seize the opportunity to help as the need arises.

Last friday, I and a friend of mine saw a post at a local forum that we frequent. Somebody is in dire need of our blood type. I can’t give because I have women’s issues, so my friend said he’s willing to give but since we are stil in the office he’d do it tomorrow, Saturday.

Saturday came and we did what we usually do on the weekend and as my colleague got ready to leave the house to go to the Red Cross, he received a saddening text message. The son-in-law of the woman who needed blood passed away. Giving blood would be a little too late.

My colleague forwarded the message to me, and I realized one thing – extending help shouldn’t be delayed. If you are given an opportunity to help, let us do it as soon as we can because we don’t know how our little help would mean to someone in need.

Let’s not forget what Jesus said in Matthew 25:43-45 about helping others. When we don’t help strangers and don’t look after the sick, it’s as if we are doing it to Christ Himself.  It seems that the Lord is still teaching me a lot about the area of helping. May I never forget the lessons because when I help others, it’s as if i’m doing it for my Lord.

Polishing my imperfections

How many times have we been given the opportunity to help but chose to turn our cheek the other way? In my case a lot of times, I must say.

Take for example my experience the past two days.

Day 1- I was inside the jeep on my way to work. We stopped awhile because of the red light then I saw a blind old man trying to cross the street. Part of me wanted to get down and lead him to a safer place but part of me didn’t want to because the light would turn green anytime now. As I was battling within me if I should help or not someone else took his hand and led him away.

I was relieved at the same time ashamed because an opportunity to help passed me by.

Day 2 – Again inside the jeep on my way to work. As always the driver would cram as many people as he can inside. Imagine a sardine can crammed with one fish too many, that was how we looked like this morning.  A lot of passengers were sweating profusely because the total body heat inside that small jeep would equal the heat emitted by the sun. I could have told the girl across me to move a little more so that the old lady could sit better, but I chose to keep my mouth shut and mind my own business.

It’s not that I don’t help, its just that sometimes it doesn’t come naturally. We are all still a work in progress after all. Like a gem that needs polishing, God patiently rubs out the imperfections so that we will become jewels worthy of the King’s crown. As God polishes us we feel the pain but as we slowly shed off those imperfections, we come out shining and pleasing to the Master’s eyes.

How is God working in your life? Is He rubbing out your bitterness? Or is He teaching you to be patient. However He may be working and in whatever aspect it may be in your life, trust that God is never mistaken. He loves you too much to see you stay as unpolished as you once were.

Enjoying Life To The Fullest

Remember when you had a new toy? Even now as adults we sometimes can’t sleep when there’s something new. We just have to play with it, don’t we?

I went back to being a child a few days ago. You see, I have this new camera that I can’t wait to use during the Kadayawan festival.  I even took a leave from work just to be able to enjoy the festivities to the fullest.

So off we went to where the show was. I was contentedly shooting photos using my brand new point and shoot camera. Naturally other photographers came to where I was to take photos as well. You’d think that my countenance didn’t change. Well it did, from being content and happy to being jealous and miserable. After all, what is my camera compared to their’s with zoom lenses?

Then it dawned upon me that I was sinning. My jealousy got the better of me. Instead of enjoying the moment I was so caught up in my misery and I failed to fully see the beauty of things unfolding before my eyes.

Many of us go through life looking at what other people have while we fail to enjoy what God has given us. We may never have everything we want but we definitely have everything we need. Today, let us begin to really count our blessings and name them one by one.