Learning my lesson the hard way.
There are lessons in life where you really want to learn things the hard way.
A select few know the pain and anguish that keeps me on my knees lately. It was an experience that broke me to minute pieces that only God can put back together.
Have you ever been in a situation before where you see a lot of red flags flying around you? Flags that warn you to obey the still small voice that constantly reminds you to stop doing what you are doing and yet stubborn as you are you did it anyway.
I did… a few years ago.
From day one I know that this shouldn’t be and what I plan to do would surely lead to disaster. But disobedient as I am, I did things my way. All through the years, I justified and defended the choices that I made.
God has been so patient with me and waited for me to repent but I didn’t…until that fateful day, October 5,2008.
God used somebody to make me finally open my eyes and see what I have been missing all these years . It was as if God was telling me “This is what I would have wanted you to have but instead you settled for second best.” On that day I was forced to face the truth and face my guilt head on. It’s as if God literally turned me around to face an issue that I have been evading for way too long.
God made me realize that I have never specifically asked for forgiveness over something that I stupidly did many years back. And now I realize that I have been paying the consequences of my decision.
I love the ministry that God has entrusted me. I am happy with how things are going as far as my being His servant is concerned. I love how I am able to serve others through the talent He has so graciously bestowed upon me. But I realize that all these could disappear with another wrong move.
I told my friends about my weakness…I might fall anytime now if not by God’s mercy and grace. I would love to say that I am strong enough to withstand whatever will come my way, but I know that I am not. I am as weak as any sinner can be. I am capable of ruining my life on my own without anybody’s help.
Believe me, if I could only turn back time, I would have chosen to walk the other way. I would have stood my ground and obeyed God. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this post.
I learned my lesson the hardest way possible. Human as I am, I believe that death for me would be the easiest way out. I wish I could expound but believe me, death really IS the easiest way out. Of course I know how God can wonderfully move and change hearts in ways that I can’t understand, I also know that I shouldn’t put God in a box nor order Him to work in how I want Him to. But again I am human, and this is how little I think.
Therefore, I pray that God hasten my healing and end my grief as soon as possible. It’s not forbidden to request, so I am using my privilege as His daughter to ask, nay, beg Him to end it. End it in such as way that I will forever be amazed at how He works so that His glory will shine.
Father, forgive me for my sin. Grant me the happiness that has eluded me for years. I pray that as I have opened my eyes and faced the truth of my disobedience may I find peace and happiness for the rest of my days. Forgive me for not listening; forgive me for disobeying; I beg you oh Lord. Make the sunshine on my face again and stop the rain from falling.
March 20, 2009 at 1:09 pm
one point in our lives, we fail. but the joy in it is the recovery wherein we stand again and face the realities of life. learning comes after every experience and vowed not to commit the same mistake again and this could not be achieved without spiritual intervention. however as it is written, good or bad, we reap whatever we had sown in the past. yes it hurts but that’s the way it is. learning it the hard way so to speak. but we thank God for being truthful to His word that He will never forsake us as long as we commit and follow Him- words and deeds. take heart sister, you are not alone in the journey for we all carry our crosses but most of all, Christ already did it before us. so cheer up, life is still worth living for our reward lies ahead of us.
March 20, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Doki,
So true. I distinctly remember sharing this episode of my “learning” with you and you so graciously allowed me to cry and talk and then cry again some more. The more that I appreciate having a blog because it reminds me of lessons in the past and the friends God used to be instruments of blessing as well.
You were one of the people who helped me carry my cross during that episode in my life. You know what, I think it’s high time that you write your own blog. I’m sure a lot of people can benefit from your wisdom and honestly.
Thank you for being a friend. God bless you!
Maggie