Learning my lesson the hard way.

There are lessons in life where you really want to learn things the hard way.

A select few know the pain and anguish that keeps me on my knees lately. It was an experience that broke me to minute pieces that only God can put back together.

Have you ever been in a situation before where you see a lot of red flags flying around you? Flags that warn you to obey the still small voice that constantly reminds you to stop doing what you are doing and yet stubborn as you are you did it anyway.

I did… a few years ago.

From day one I know that this shouldn’t be and what I plan to do would surely lead to disaster. But disobedient as I am, I did things my way.  All through the years, I justified and defended the choices that I made.

God has been so patient with me and waited for me to repent but I didn’t…until that fateful day, October 5,2008.

God used somebody to make me finally open my eyes and see what I have been missing all these years . It was as if God was telling me “This is what I would have wanted you  to have but instead you settled for second best.” On that day I was forced to face the truth and face my guilt head on. It’s as if God literally turned me around to face an issue that I have been evading for way too long.

God made me realize that I have never specifically asked for forgiveness over something that I stupidly did many years back. And now I realize that I have been paying the consequences of my decision.

I love the ministry that God has entrusted me. I am happy with how things are going as far as my being His servant is concerned.  I love how I am able to serve others through the talent He has so graciously bestowed upon me. But I realize that all these could disappear with another wrong move.

I told my friends about my weakness…I might fall anytime now if not by God’s mercy and grace. I would love to say that I am strong enough to withstand whatever will come my way, but I know that I am not. I am as weak as any sinner can be. I am capable of ruining my life on my own without anybody’s help.

Believe me, if I could only turn back time, I would have chosen to walk the other way. I would have stood my ground and obeyed God. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this post.

I learned my lesson the hardest way possible. Human as I am, I believe that death for me would be the easiest way out. I wish I could expound but believe me, death really IS the easiest way out. Of course I know how God can wonderfully move and change hearts in ways that I can’t understand, I also know that I shouldn’t put God in a box nor order Him to work in how I want Him to. But again I am human, and this is how little I think.

Therefore, I pray that God hasten my healing and end my grief as soon as possible. It’s not forbidden to request, so I am using my privilege as His daughter to ask, nay, beg Him to end it. End it in such as way that I will forever be amazed at how He works so that His glory will shine.

Father, forgive me for my sin.  Grant me the happiness that has eluded me for years. I pray that as I have opened my eyes and faced the truth of my disobedience  may I find peace and happiness for the rest of my days. Forgive me for not listening; forgive me for disobeying; I beg you oh Lord. Make the sunshine on my face again and stop the rain from falling.

For Sheryl…happy birthday!

This is for the other person in our “unholy” trinity, Sheryl.

Happy birthday my dear best friend. Having you in my life made a lot of things easier to bear. The secrets we shared, we will bring with us to the grave.

Thanks for letting me vent out without judging me. Thanks for hearing me out and never blaming me for the stupid decisions I willingly made. A lot of times I know I do things my way, stubbornly forcing issues that obviously were wrong in the first place but you never made me feel any less.

Today, October 4, 2008, all three of us finally said goodbye to the calendar numbers. But today during our photo shoot, I feel that we will continue to grow older with grace.

May we always be reminded of how we love each other. Differences will always be there but I pray that we will always find it in our hearts to forgive and continue on loving one another.

I love you…til death do us part

Death may come anytime.

I just came back from a hospital visit to our listener Mark B.  It was heartwarming but sad to see him lying on the bed with the radio beside him. They say it’s the sense of hearing that leaves a person the last so in my heart I hope that we can still minister to him even if he is in a coma.

I stayed there for a while but I couldn’t bear the sight of seeing Mark in tubes, his chest and head with  staples from his last surgery. He stayed in the ward of the government hospital.

Staring at the computer now, I feel like a lost kid. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride going up and down , round and round that it’s driving me crazy. I suddenly missed a lot of people. It’s as if looking at the deathly faces in the hospital made me realize that I may be staring at my very own death any day now.

I miss my Dad and our moments of laughter together.  I miss telling him how my day went, he’d listen even if I went on and on and on. I miss going to beach and crying my heart out. I miss the people I love.

I wish I could squeeze out every ounce of joy that is available for me everyday. I wish that everyday I can tell someone that he or she means a lot to me. I wish I could tell everyone I love that I truly love them. I wish to be the best friend to somebody who needs me. I wish to feel that I am needed and that there’s a place for me in this world…

… I wish to remember all the lessons I learned today.